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So I deleted that last post I wrote because it sounded like I wasn’t going anywhere. I was just rambling.

My brain has been waterlogged for the past few days. I feel like I have hydrocephalus.

There’s been too much to process lately. I can’t think straight. Everything is going way too fast and I just keep on lagging. Work, family, friends, futures, commitments, my own faults. I want to clear my head but I can’t seem to do it. It feels like I’ve been drugged or something. It’s really frustrating.

What is wrong with you, brain? Wake up, you need to catch up ASAP.

A couple of days ago I had palpitations for no reason (I was just sitting in front of my desk). I couldn’t keep my eyes open and had to put my head down to nap during lunch break (it’s weird, I never sleep at work).

I know it might be because I’m overdoing it. I’ve recently been formally given the task of managing a very, very large project, and failure is not an option. While I am thankful for being trusted with something so big, the pressure and anxiety have been growing slowly. It’s like a balloon that can burst at any moment. What’s worse is that I am having trouble focusing on the things I need to focus on. I have a bunch of worry areas that I need to get rid of, and I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew.

All this stress is translating into my other activities.

Take my aikido classes for example. Our teacher had to keep reminding me to relax. I can’t seem to enjoy doing ukemi for throws like I used to. Those are my favorite but now I can’t even do my forward rolls properly. Last Tuesday we did some very basic kotegaeshi and irimi techniques and I kept hesitating in receiving and executing them. I think that my old fear of falling is back. I was so comfortable with ukemi before. I can’t believe how 5 months of no practice has set me back so much. Now, instead of looking forward to practice, I am beginning to dread it.

The drive to keep on moving is my sugar, and I’m sugar crashing.

I went and tried to relax by going to a spa (which I highly recommend doing), but that seems to have been defeated by all the things I tried to accomplish over the weekend.

Maybe I just need more sleep?

I know I’m not alone in this as I have a few friends who are in the same boat. The only difference is that, while they like to talk about their problems (and I like to listen to them), I hate talking about mine.

What I want to do now is drill a hole in my head, let everything spill, and then pick out all the rubbish and throw them all away. I want to scrub the inside of my skull clean. I want to dive into a pool of energy drink and absorb it through osmosis. I want to start fresh again. Reset. Reset. Reset.

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The holiday season is nearing its end and I am more stressed than I really should be.  This should be a time to relax and unwind, but I feel under pressure and full of worry from work.  

I’m working on a project that I just know hasn’t been carefully planned.  Everything is half-baked and unprepared but the bosses are pushing for it to start.  

I don’t want to find out what will happen to a project that begins development after less than a month of planning and decisions.  It’s just not enough time for coordinating with users, mapping out their workflow, and gathering requirements.  

And yet there can be absolutely no delay for this. Argh.  My head hurts every time I think about it.

The stress I’m feeling is evident even in aikido practice.  Today was our first class since our old dojo closed, and I was so tense that my sensei commented on it.  In most of our recent classes, I’m always so tense.  I think I might have forgotten how to relax.