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I have to review and reorganize my life goals and priorities again. I think I may need to do this more often. Like, every month, if necessary. I feel like I’m making very little progress with my life in general. It’s been the same for a few years now. I’m currently 26 years old with no plans of settling down. I don’t even have any plans of getting into a relationship.

The only change I’ve made is a career change. Many people questioned whether it was the right thing for me to do. For me, it was a necessary choice.

Should I go back to being a nurse and pursue a life abroad? That’s usually the goal of people who have studied nursing here in the Philippines, and I’m not sure I really want that.

My biggest problem? Uncertainty.

I’ve clearly been avoiding this topic for awhile now. I don’t even feel like blogging about it, but I just had a talk with my aunt and it’s been eating away at me. She wants me to get my immigration papers processed as soon as possible.

I said I would start. I said I’d take all the necessary exams next month. I say a lot of things.

Damn my big mouth.

There’s a lot to be done, and I’m not sure I want to do it. I’m a little scared.

I need to figure things out fast. But if I do do it (migrate, I mean), I’m not going back to being a full time nurse.  It was a rewarding experience that I’ll always be thankful for, but honestly speaking, I’m done.

I may not know what I want, but I know what I don’t want.

unhappy mask

Okay. The truth is, I am feeling down right now. Sore eyes is no biggie, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. I feel like trash. There, that’s how it goes.

Have you ever been in a situation where you know that a certain action on your part will hurt another person, and yet you can’t help yourself? That’s me, I still go ahead and do it.

I’ve been taking my anger and frustrations out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. And it’s not the person’s fault- the anger is not even related to that person. This is a defense mechanism, I know. It’s called displacement. I learned that in my psychology classes. See? I even know what kind of defense mechanism it is, but I can’t help but lash out. I just watch myself hurt the person. It’s like shooting a gun. You feel the recoil as regret instantaneously.

It doesn’t help that you don’t have anyone to depend on, because the ones that you actually can depend on, you spare from helping you with your personal problems. Why? Because you don’t want to burden them with that task. And then being alone with your problems takes such a toll, it angers you. And because anger seeps into everything you do, you end up hurting the ones you didn’t want to burden in the first place. Then you start wondering about the next time.. It’s defeatist.

I’m rambling. I’ll get over the drama soon. I just needed to say all that.


This is the personal blog of teskaraptor aka bananatree. Yes that's me, a 20-something nurse working in the IT field.
If you ask me to choose one word to describe myself, I would choose "weird."

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