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So I deleted that last post I wrote because it sounded like I wasn’t going anywhere. I was just rambling.

My brain has been waterlogged for the past few days. I feel like I have hydrocephalus.

There’s been too much to process lately. I can’t think straight. Everything is going way too fast and I just keep on lagging. Work, family, friends, futures, commitments, my own faults. I want to clear my head but I can’t seem to do it. It feels like I’ve been drugged or something. It’s really frustrating.

What is wrong with you, brain? Wake up, you need to catch up ASAP.

A couple of days ago I had palpitations for no reason (I was just sitting in front of my desk). I couldn’t keep my eyes open and had to put my head down to nap during lunch break (it’s weird, I never sleep at work).

I know it might be because I’m overdoing it. I’ve recently been formally given the task of managing a very, very large project, and failure is not an option. While I am thankful for being trusted with something so big, the pressure and anxiety have been growing slowly. It’s like a balloon that can burst at any moment. What’s worse is that I am having trouble focusing on the things I need to focus on. I have a bunch of worry areas that I need to get rid of, and I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew.

All this stress is translating into my other activities.

Take my aikido classes for example. Our teacher had to keep reminding me to relax. I can’t seem to enjoy doing ukemi for throws like I used to. Those are my favorite but now I can’t even do my forward rolls properly. Last Tuesday we did some very basic kotegaeshi and irimi techniques and I kept hesitating in receiving and executing them. I think that my old fear of falling is back. I was so comfortable with ukemi before. I can’t believe how 5 months of no practice has set me back so much. Now, instead of looking forward to practice, I am beginning to dread it.

The drive to keep on moving is my sugar, and I’m sugar crashing.

I went and tried to relax by going to a spa (which I highly recommend doing), but that seems to have been defeated by all the things I tried to accomplish over the weekend.

Maybe I just need more sleep?

I know I’m not alone in this as I have a few friends who are in the same boat. The only difference is that, while they like to talk about their problems (and I like to listen to them), I hate talking about mine.

What I want to do now is drill a hole in my head, let everything spill, and then pick out all the rubbish and throw them all away. I want to scrub the inside of my skull clean. I want to dive into a pool of energy drink and absorb it through osmosis. I want to start fresh again. Reset. Reset. Reset.

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It’s really pathetic that I enjoy my job more than I enjoy dealing with my family.

She liked this photo of  our gumamela.

She liked this photo of our gumamela.

 

My cousin, Ate Riza, passed away yesterday at 8:45PM.  She was severely injured in a motorcycle accident that left her unconscious in the ICU for 6 days.  Her condition deteriorated and we received news that she had hydrocephalus.  CSF was quickly building up inside her skull, compressing her brain.  She was supposed to undergo surgery.  I don’t know all the details yet, but it was cancelled when her blood pressure kept falling.

It took me awhile to process the news.  This is the third death in the family this year.

Although we live apart from each other, she kept in touch and gave me and my family support through trying times (as much as one could over a distance).  It was always her reaching out towards other people.  We all loved her dearly.  Even if I haven’t seen her in person for years, her absence is something that will take time for me to get used to, and I’m going to miss her.

I find myself coming back again and again to her Facebook page.  I go back to her posts before the accident and those of friends and family afterwards.  I don’t know exactly what to feel about social media and death, but I can’t stop reading and re-reading her page.

I don’t have much else to say.  To anyone who cares, please pray for her, and to anyone who travels on a motorcycle, please be careful.  Stay safe.

A little something from my niece 🙂