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I submitted my mid-year performance self-review at work today.  I was a bit loopy while answering it since I came from night duty with 3 hours of unpaid overtime, without having any breakfast.  At that point I was pretty much like, “let’s just get this over with.”  

That mid-year review had the worst timing because I really want to quit my job.  I think I can stick with the company for a few months more if they hired more people so that work conditions can improve, but right now I’m a hairline fracture away from turning my resignation letter in.  I have it ready here on my computer.  

I couldn’t keep from crying on duty last night and had to spend around 5 minutes getting myself together in the stock room so no one would notice.  Things have been so hectic the past few days and the stress and frustration just pile up.  Every one is obviously overworked, and people are resigning practically every week.

The supervisor didn’t help one bit by coming in the morning and yelling at me for not finishing and preparing things on time, and “not thinking ahead about what the doctors might need.”  She had no right to do that when I have almost 10 patients assigned to me, with one of them needing to be monitored every hour and two of them monitored every 2 hours.  I already prepared the materials that the doctor specified in his orders.  I cannot be expected to “think ahead” when my brain is busy trying to find a way to balance and prioritize all my tasks so that everything would be done on schedule for all those patients.  

This was all after I had to bring a patient down for dialysis (it wasn’t my job, but wow, we also lack orderlies and nursing aides).  Not once was I able to sit down, much less go to the bathroom the entire night.  She saw me still there assisting with a procedure at 7AM when my shift ends at 6AM (again staying for a number of hours after, unpaid).  And what? Oh yeah, get angry.  WTF.

Everyday I feel like this: 

unhappy mask

Okay. The truth is, I am feeling down right now. Sore eyes is no biggie, it’s just the tip of the iceberg. I feel like trash. There, that’s how it goes.

Have you ever been in a situation where you know that a certain action on your part will hurt another person, and yet you can’t help yourself? That’s me, I still go ahead and do it.

I’ve been taking my anger and frustrations out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. And it’s not the person’s fault- the anger is not even related to that person. This is a defense mechanism, I know. It’s called displacement. I learned that in my psychology classes. See? I even know what kind of defense mechanism it is, but I can’t help but lash out. I just watch myself hurt the person. It’s like shooting a gun. You feel the recoil as regret instantaneously.

It doesn’t help that you don’t have anyone to depend on, because the ones that you actually can depend on, you spare from helping you with your personal problems. Why? Because you don’t want to burden them with that task. And then being alone with your problems takes such a toll, it angers you. And because anger seeps into everything you do, you end up hurting the ones you didn’t want to burden in the first place. Then you start wondering about the next time.. It’s defeatist.

I’m rambling. I’ll get over the drama soon. I just needed to say all that.


This is the personal blog of teskaraptor aka bananatree. Yes that's me, a 20-something nurse working in the IT field.
If you ask me to choose one word to describe myself, I would choose "weird."

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