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I have to review and reorganize my life goals and priorities again. I think I may need to do this more often. Like, every month, if necessary. I feel like I’m making very little progress with my life in general. It’s been the same for a few years now. I’m currently 26 years old with no plans of settling down. I don’t even have any plans of getting into a relationship.

The only change I’ve made is a career change. Many people questioned whether it was the right thing for me to do. For me, it was a necessary choice.

Should I go back to being a nurse and pursue a life abroad? That’s usually the goal of people who have studied nursing here in the Philippines, and I’m not sure I really want that.

My biggest problem? Uncertainty.

I’ve clearly been avoiding this topic for awhile now. I don’t even feel like blogging about it, but I just had a talk with my aunt and it’s been eating away at me. She wants me to get my immigration papers processed as soon as possible.

I said I would start. I said I’d take all the necessary exams next month. I say a lot of things.

Damn my big mouth.

There’s a lot to be done, and I’m not sure I want to do it. I’m a little scared.

I need to figure things out fast. But if I do do it (migrate, I mean), I’m not going back to being a full time nurse.  It was a rewarding experience that I’ll always be thankful for, but honestly speaking, I’m done.

I may not know what I want, but I know what I don’t want.

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I had the strangest dream today.  I dreamt of helping a mother deliver 6 babies inside a mall,  and reviving one of them who suddenly stopped breathing.  I gave baby-sized breaths until he/she opened his/her eyes (they were a lovely green.  Also, I have no idea what the baby’s gender was).  I think my subsconsciousness is trying to tell me something.  

For the past few weeks, I’ve had an increased number of conversations about my nursing career (or shunning thereof).  Many people are curious as to why I left bedside nursing to become a clinical analyst-slash-nurse informaticist, which is really more of an IT position than a medical one.  I find people asking me to compare traditional nursing to my role now.  My stand on this is that I like my new job better than my old one, but I worry that I’m making a mistake in the long run.  Hmmm.  Will I ever go back to being a bedside nurse in the future?  And if I do, am I wasting my time exploring other career options?

I hate asking myself questions like these so I just bury them at the back of my mind.

(On a completely unrelated sidenote, why does WordPress say that “dreamt” is spelled wrong?  Is there a new rule that says that the correct spelling is now “dreamed”?)

There wasn’t any rational reason for her to quit. But there was every emotional reason to do so.

‘Life is too short to be miserable for money,’ I told her finally. ‘Just quit. Take the barista job and figure out something else while you’re making lattes.’”

Holly Robinson

I agree with everything this woman said.  My parents knew this too.  They told me the same thing and I love them for it.  You can find the article here.

This week was just…  I have no words for it.

Right now there’s this little fantasy in my head about the day I quit my job.  I’d saunter into the manager’s office, go “I QUIT” and throw my endorsement sheets and chart papers into the air like Blaine from Glee.

Then I’d probably re-enact a scene from Jesus Christ Superstar where Pontius Pilate argues with a mob about Jesus Christ’s crucifixion.  I’ll turn to the other nurses left (making sure a bunch of onlookers/patients are present), point at them and say, “don’t let me *stop* your great self-destruction! Die if you want to, you misguided martyr! I wash my hands of your demolition! Die if you want to, you innocent… puppet!”

If security hasn’t thrown me out by then, I’d go through the corridors with a big smile on my face, giving everyone high fives and whooping about what a great day it was.

Oh yeah.  They should make a musical.

I submitted my mid-year performance self-review at work today.  I was a bit loopy while answering it since I came from night duty with 3 hours of unpaid overtime, without having any breakfast.  At that point I was pretty much like, “let’s just get this over with.”  

That mid-year review had the worst timing because I really want to quit my job.  I think I can stick with the company for a few months more if they hired more people so that work conditions can improve, but right now I’m a hairline fracture away from turning my resignation letter in.  I have it ready here on my computer.  

I couldn’t keep from crying on duty last night and had to spend around 5 minutes getting myself together in the stock room so no one would notice.  Things have been so hectic the past few days and the stress and frustration just pile up.  Every one is obviously overworked, and people are resigning practically every week.

The supervisor didn’t help one bit by coming in the morning and yelling at me for not finishing and preparing things on time, and “not thinking ahead about what the doctors might need.”  She had no right to do that when I have almost 10 patients assigned to me, with one of them needing to be monitored every hour and two of them monitored every 2 hours.  I already prepared the materials that the doctor specified in his orders.  I cannot be expected to “think ahead” when my brain is busy trying to find a way to balance and prioritize all my tasks so that everything would be done on schedule for all those patients.  

This was all after I had to bring a patient down for dialysis (it wasn’t my job, but wow, we also lack orderlies and nursing aides).  Not once was I able to sit down, much less go to the bathroom the entire night.  She saw me still there assisting with a procedure at 7AM when my shift ends at 6AM (again staying for a number of hours after, unpaid).  And what? Oh yeah, get angry.  WTF.

Everyday I feel like this: 
Sigh.

I’ve been thinking long and hard.

Here I am, 20-something years old and burnt out. 

You see, I have this job and it’s killing me.  I’m a practicing nurse and the work itself, it’s nature is demanding and very stressful.  Coming from a hospital with a good rep, part of company policy is this: what customer wants, customer gets.  Literally.  Patient wants a lazy boy in his room?  Make.  It.  Happen.  Or get mauled by the customer service representatives (okay, I’m exaggerating a bit.  Peace, CS people). 

What I realized is that nursing is just like being the big overall manager and the staff at the same time.  Aside from the usual “care” like giving medications, assisting in procedures, wound care, IV care, turning, etc. there’s also coordinating and overseeing and scheduling procedures with different departments, informing doctors, phlebotomists, respiratory therapists, pharmacists, calling engineering for room repairs, calling billing department for insurance problems, even finding someone to give a patient a haircut/manicure and wash his laundry (oh yes, that happens).  Sometimes I feel like I manage every aspect of my patients’ lives. 

We’re also understaffed and we go with 2-hour, 4-hour overtime with no pay.  It doesn’t happen regularly, but I go 8-12 hours straight without sitting down and sadly, going to the bathroom, not once.  I can’t take it.  Even if I’ve worked with the best people in the world (doctors, co-nurses, nursing aids, housekeepers, ward clerks, etc), had the nicest, sweetest (and sometimes, most um, disagreeble) patients, I can’t take it.  People-wise, I couldn’t have asked for a better crowd to be in.  Everyone works hard, everyone helps everyone out- it’s teamwork, but I can’t take it.  I’m tired.  My quality of life is suffering.

Once I come up with better plans, I’m going.  Going and gone.

By the way, pictures are from Stuff No One Told Me.  Go check it out.

…well, it’s not really a check, but hey, i just received wages for my first job ever! Okay, so it’s not really wages- it’s more like an allowance. And it’s not officially a job- it’s a training program. Still, it’s a program that hopefully will end with me getting employed. I’m happy!

It’s the first thing I’ve earned that didn’t come from ebay and “freelancing.” And by freelancing, I mean looking so pitifully jobless that relatives will offer to pay you to do things that they could have done themselves. Like make an email invitation (yay! Thank you, tita). Their only consolation is that I can do it slightly better than they can. And slight is, well, not much of a difference.

Anyway, things are really looking up this week. I can say that I like most of my fellow trainees, and though my performance hasn’t been my best, I’m getting by, mostly. Hehehe.

Oh, and I got a very nice offer recently. Maybe I’ll talk about it later. I feel like my life just went and jumped onto a trampoline, and right now I’m in the part where I’m hanging in mid-air after that extra boost. Wheee!

So it’s been good for me, an especially good one compared to last week, when I went into a mini-depression and failed a good number of exams. I was feeling a little unloved, what with adjusting to a new environment, and no one on the same wavelength as I am. God just made up for that now.