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I am so angry and frustrated with myself. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I keep failing at all the things that matter, and the things that I do well aren’t useful at all. This is not what I expect for and from myself. This really isn’t it.

Gah.

I am running out of patience. How do I shake this feeling off?

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I’ve been thinking long and hard.

Here I am, 20-something years old and burnt out. 

You see, I have this job and it’s killing me.  I’m a practicing nurse and the work itself, it’s nature is demanding and very stressful.  Coming from a hospital with a good rep, part of company policy is this: what customer wants, customer gets.  Literally.  Patient wants a lazy boy in his room?  Make.  It.  Happen.  Or get mauled by the customer service representatives (okay, I’m exaggerating a bit.  Peace, CS people). 

What I realized is that nursing is just like being the big overall manager and the staff at the same time.  Aside from the usual “care” like giving medications, assisting in procedures, wound care, IV care, turning, etc. there’s also coordinating and overseeing and scheduling procedures with different departments, informing doctors, phlebotomists, respiratory therapists, pharmacists, calling engineering for room repairs, calling billing department for insurance problems, even finding someone to give a patient a haircut/manicure and wash his laundry (oh yes, that happens).  Sometimes I feel like I manage every aspect of my patients’ lives. 

We’re also understaffed and we go with 2-hour, 4-hour overtime with no pay.  It doesn’t happen regularly, but I go 8-12 hours straight without sitting down and sadly, going to the bathroom, not once.  I can’t take it.  Even if I’ve worked with the best people in the world (doctors, co-nurses, nursing aids, housekeepers, ward clerks, etc), had the nicest, sweetest (and sometimes, most um, disagreeble) patients, I can’t take it.  People-wise, I couldn’t have asked for a better crowd to be in.  Everyone works hard, everyone helps everyone out- it’s teamwork, but I can’t take it.  I’m tired.  My quality of life is suffering.

Once I come up with better plans, I’m going.  Going and gone.

By the way, pictures are from Stuff No One Told Me.  Go check it out.

Ayoko na. Ayoka na talaga. Sawa na ko sa buhay na ganito, sawa na ko sa katoxican, sawa na ko sa araw-araw na pag-iintindi ng ibang tao, sawa na ko sa responsibilidad.

Tama na. Tama na.

I’m sick of systems and I’m sick of rules. I’m sick of excellence and how it makes those seeking it become inhuman. I think I might even be sick of myself.

Endorsements, demands, questions, care care care I don’t want to care anymore. I feel like this almost every day. Just a little bit more and I’ll drop everything and walk away for good. Nakakaiyak, nakakainis. They say it’s noble, it’s rewarding, but I don’t know if it’s worth it.  So help me, God.  Please.  That’s what I said when I took the oath.

I’ve been awake for almost 24 hours.  I was on night duty and I got home around 3:00pm- a full 8 hours after the time I should have gone home which is supposed to be at around 7:00 or 8:00AM.  I am so tired.  My shift during that night was hell.  Toxic, hectic, one big headache.  And then on the very last hour of my duty, something happens.  Something incredibly, massively stupid, unnecessary and unexpected.

I couldn’t concentrate on the work I had left to do.  I was actually crying in the nurses’ station because everything was going horribly horribly wrong.  All the little things just kept adding up, from non-answering doctors, non-infusing IV lines, blood transfusion problems, less than 40cc of urine output from a kidney patient (that’s roughly 2 tablespoons), freaking needles, and angry co-workers.  If I mentioned them all I’m sure it’ll take up several paragraphs.  No wonder a lot of the other nurses I knew wanted to quit. I got dumped with a garbage bag full of things-that-can-possibly-go-wrong-during-your-shift.  I tried really hard to keep myself from crying but I couldn’t help it.  It was so embarrassing having to cry like that.  Thank God I didn’t do it in front of my patients.

It took me until 10AM to finish everything for the unit, then I had to go down to the ER which took up so much time processing because I literally had to go around the hospital wards looking for forms, which my own and about half of all the units didn’t have.  Freaking forms!  I finished all that, along with filing an incident report.  That had me going back and forth from 1st to 2nd to 5th floor.  So much paperwork.  I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch anymore (who the hell could eat in a condition like that anyway).  It took so long that I actually saw the nurses for the afternoon shift.  Shit.  I never want to have to go through another incident report again, or work on another night shift.

That’s it.  That’s pretty much the latest thing in my life.

our shoes...  me and my friends

tired

All shoes shown here belong to me and my friends.  We were riding a jeep on our way to a hospital.  As you can see, everyone has comfy shoes (yes, those flip flops make you feel right at home… they also get you banned from entering most buildings, as my friend Gelo learned the hard way), since heels won’t work at all in our profession.  Today we were jobhunting, which is a task that should never be done alone, at least, if you’re a nursing graduate living in a country overflowing with jobless nurses and almost all the hospitals have a freeze on hiring even if they’re way understaffed.

By the way, I’m wearing a different pair of jelly shoes.  Soft and comfy and perfect for my feet.  I wear them everywhere.

We had plans and plans and plans and plans- all the talk nowadays is always about un-bumming ourselves.  This scene is familiar.  Nothing happened at the end of the day.

Endless worries.  I hate thinking about life and futures.