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So I deleted that last post I wrote because it sounded like I wasn’t going anywhere. I was just rambling.

My brain has been waterlogged for the past few days. I feel like I have hydrocephalus.

There’s been too much to process lately. I can’t think straight. Everything is going way too fast and I just keep on lagging. Work, family, friends, futures, commitments, my own faults. I want to clear my head but I can’t seem to do it. It feels like I’ve been drugged or something. It’s really frustrating.

What is wrong with you, brain? Wake up, you need to catch up ASAP.

A couple of days ago I had palpitations for no reason (I was just sitting in front of my desk). I couldn’t keep my eyes open and had to put my head down to nap during lunch break (it’s weird, I never sleep at work).

I know it might be because I’m overdoing it. I’ve recently been formally given the task of managing a very, very large project, and failure is not an option. While I am thankful for being trusted with something so big, the pressure and anxiety have been growing slowly. It’s like a balloon that can burst at any moment. What’s worse is that I am having trouble focusing on the things I need to focus on. I have a bunch of worry areas that I need to get rid of, and I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew.

All this stress is translating into my other activities.

Take my aikido classes for example. Our teacher had to keep reminding me to relax. I can’t seem to enjoy doing ukemi for throws like I used to. Those are my favorite but now I can’t even do my forward rolls properly. Last Tuesday we did some very basic kotegaeshi and irimi techniques and I kept hesitating in receiving and executing them. I think that my old fear of falling is back. I was so comfortable with ukemi before. I can’t believe how 5 months of no practice has set me back so much. Now, instead of looking forward to practice, I am beginning to dread it.

The drive to keep on moving is my sugar, and I’m sugar crashing.

I went and tried to relax by going to a spa (which I highly recommend doing), but that seems to have been defeated by all the things I tried to accomplish over the weekend.

Maybe I just need more sleep?

I know I’m not alone in this as I have a few friends who are in the same boat. The only difference is that, while they like to talk about their problems (and I like to listen to them), I hate talking about mine.

What I want to do now is drill a hole in my head, let everything spill, and then pick out all the rubbish and throw them all away. I want to scrub the inside of my skull clean. I want to dive into a pool of energy drink and absorb it through osmosis. I want to start fresh again. Reset. Reset. Reset.

The holiday season is nearing its end and I am more stressed than I really should be.  This should be a time to relax and unwind, but I feel under pressure and full of worry from work.  

I’m working on a project that I just know hasn’t been carefully planned.  Everything is half-baked and unprepared but the bosses are pushing for it to start.  

I don’t want to find out what will happen to a project that begins development after less than a month of planning and decisions.  It’s just not enough time for coordinating with users, mapping out their workflow, and gathering requirements.  

And yet there can be absolutely no delay for this. Argh.  My head hurts every time I think about it.

The stress I’m feeling is evident even in aikido practice.  Today was our first class since our old dojo closed, and I was so tense that my sensei commented on it.  In most of our recent classes, I’m always so tense.  I think I might have forgotten how to relax.

1. Come home late from a long day at work feeling tired
2. Fall asleep as soon as I hit the bed
3. Start dreaming about being at work again
4. Wake up feeling tired

Today, I:

1. Received my first colored belt for aikido.  It’s blue!  I love it.  Thank you sensei!

2. Experienced the most painful sankyo technique I have ever had, complete with cracking fingers and momentary numbness, twice.  I forgot the name but it had an entry similar to uchi kaiten but sankyo is performed midway.  The sankyo hold is maintained while you get dragged down to the mat with just your fingers.  Wow and ouch.

3. Realized that tension at work translates into tension in the body.  Certain events at work has had me on the edge for the past two weeks and I can’t relax!  It’s affecting the way I practice aikido. I need to chill.

Today, I also:

4. Found out that I overpaid my credit card bill, which means I have extra credit to spend!  Hooray 😀 such a nice surprise.

5. Was given a cup of milk tea for free by some people at a spa promoting their milk tea brand, just as I was about to go to the convenience store to buy milk tea for myself.

6. Feel like God is on my side and everything is going according to His plan.  I hope.  It seems like a lot of changes are coming.

Good night, everyone!

Quite a lot of things have happened since I last talked about my life in general.  That bit that I said about using the stationary bike while watching TV?  I’ve only done that once.  Hah.  So much for exercise!

I think I have a valid reason for not working out, though.  My mom was hospitalized for a “rare endometrial tumor,” which doctors suspect might be malignant.  She went through surgery to have it removed, and thank God that my worst fears stayed as fears and did not become reality.  We finally got the biopsy results and it was benign.  They’re still going to do more tests to be absolutely sure, and I hope everything is going to turn out normal.  

I’m so glad that everything went smoothly.  We all put a lot of prayers and hope into it.  I went for a peek in the OR to check on how things were going, and I saw my mom’s surgeon (who just finished the procedure) about to have breakfast, looking very relaxed, without a sweat on his brow or a hint of stress on his face.  He had a fast-paced approach to recovery.  The IV was removed the morning following the surgery and he advised sitting up and a little ambulation.  On the third post-operative day, my mom looked like she didn’t go through an operation at all (except for the slow shuffling gait due to pain).  We spent 5 days in the hospital.

The whole ordeal made me miss taking care of people.  I don’t consider myself as a nurturing or motherly kind of person at all, but there’s something very calming about caring for someone. I missed helping people up from beds, giving bed baths, and even the simple act of putting on their socks for them.  

Anyway, the day that my mom was discharged from the hospital, I was hired to work under another hospital’s clinical IT team.  I just finished my first week and I already have several projects assigned to me, hooray!  Things are going a little slow but I’ve been told to expect a busy schedule for next week.  I’m really enjoying it so far.  

I love our work environment.  One of my old classmates from college started working on the same day that I did, but in a different department.  His office is just at the opposite end of our hallway.  There’s always a lot of laughter in the hallways; most of the employees seem really happy.  I don’t know if I can say the same for the people on the floors and wards, but I hope I can go around and meet some of the nurses soon.

Kids are wonderful.  I’m not very good with them, but they are fun to be around as long as they’re in a happy mood.  I had the pleasure of meeting one of my patient’s 1-year old daughter, who was really sweet and possibly too friendly for her own good.  Several times, she took my hand and followed me out the room so she could come do my rounds with me.  You, child, are the easiest thing to kidnap.

The crazy kid also talks gibberish a lot, but I know she’s really telling me something because she says the same things whenever I tell her “I’ll be back.”  We’re having a conversation, I just can’t understand her.  Kind of like the baby twins who have their own language.

Anyway, she watched as I was removing my patient’s IV line.  It was a little painful, and she knew it, and got mad at me for “hurting” her mom.  I let her slap my wrist for that.  Omg.  She’s the cutest.  

All was well and forgiven in the end.  We were low on staff, so I was the one who escorted them to the lobby upon their discharge.  I got a kiss on the cheek and several flying kisses.

If I actually get married and have kids, I hope my kids will be like her.

This week was just…  I have no words for it.

Right now there’s this little fantasy in my head about the day I quit my job.  I’d saunter into the manager’s office, go “I QUIT” and throw my endorsement sheets and chart papers into the air like Blaine from Glee.

Then I’d probably re-enact a scene from Jesus Christ Superstar where Pontius Pilate argues with a mob about Jesus Christ’s crucifixion.  I’ll turn to the other nurses left (making sure a bunch of onlookers/patients are present), point at them and say, “don’t let me *stop* your great self-destruction! Die if you want to, you misguided martyr! I wash my hands of your demolition! Die if you want to, you innocent… puppet!”

If security hasn’t thrown me out by then, I’d go through the corridors with a big smile on my face, giving everyone high fives and whooping about what a great day it was.

Oh yeah.  They should make a musical.

I submitted my mid-year performance self-review at work today.  I was a bit loopy while answering it since I came from night duty with 3 hours of unpaid overtime, without having any breakfast.  At that point I was pretty much like, “let’s just get this over with.”  

That mid-year review had the worst timing because I really want to quit my job.  I think I can stick with the company for a few months more if they hired more people so that work conditions can improve, but right now I’m a hairline fracture away from turning my resignation letter in.  I have it ready here on my computer.  

I couldn’t keep from crying on duty last night and had to spend around 5 minutes getting myself together in the stock room so no one would notice.  Things have been so hectic the past few days and the stress and frustration just pile up.  Every one is obviously overworked, and people are resigning practically every week.

The supervisor didn’t help one bit by coming in the morning and yelling at me for not finishing and preparing things on time, and “not thinking ahead about what the doctors might need.”  She had no right to do that when I have almost 10 patients assigned to me, with one of them needing to be monitored every hour and two of them monitored every 2 hours.  I already prepared the materials that the doctor specified in his orders.  I cannot be expected to “think ahead” when my brain is busy trying to find a way to balance and prioritize all my tasks so that everything would be done on schedule for all those patients.  

This was all after I had to bring a patient down for dialysis (it wasn’t my job, but wow, we also lack orderlies and nursing aides).  Not once was I able to sit down, much less go to the bathroom the entire night.  She saw me still there assisting with a procedure at 7AM when my shift ends at 6AM (again staying for a number of hours after, unpaid).  And what? Oh yeah, get angry.  WTF.

Everyday I feel like this: 
Sigh.